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better

October 27, 2010

im way too nice people sometimes. i can be too eager to assume someone is good and i can tell them everything. its gets me in trouble.

im way too mean to people sometimes. i have an attitude problem and will decide i dont like someone right away and be so crude. it gets me in trouble.

regardless of how i treat people or people treat me there are always certain people that come into your life and change you.

i know i love someone when i change. this change doesnt come from someone trying to change me – thats actually when i know i hate someone. the change comes when, for some reason, my heart and soul feel it necessary to do what it takes to become a better person. i feel comfortable in my skin – no matter how fat or pimply it may be at the time.

this year the universe gave me challenges. this year the universe also gave me people that have allowed me to make myself better.

love isnt measured in promises or gifts. its not meant to prove anything to others or make you feel like your not alone. love makes you realize that while your surroundings may be vacant, your heart isnt.

ive never understood “if you love them let them go”. ive smothered myself with various friendships, boyfriends and male attention my entire existence.

but now that i know what real love is, ive never been more alone and less lonely before.

i mean i work on the 3rd the floor and live on the 5th. besides going to the gym at 6am and getting wine across the street i dont go very far. so at this point besides being around my co-workers, i spend a lot of time by myself.

i left chase and cassia in la. after 6 months of spending everyday with beautiful females that make me so happy and so comfortable, i left. i left our plans of road trips and moving in together. i left our sunday dinners at my parents house and morning coffees. i left our plans of starting companies and finding new boyfriends.

when you know you know. i know that i had to let them go for while. i had to grow up on my own and struggle a bit without them saving me with ice cream and a fucking rom com.

i had to let miller go. i had to let millers replacement freeman go. i had to say goodbye to my parents again. goodbye to my cats. goodbye to the warm winter i was looking forward to. i had to say goodbye to a lot of things this year i really didnt want to say goodbye to.

i had to say goodbye to comfortable love for while. cuz right now love that makes me too feel comfortable is love that makes me blow it.

and i am far from winning that war.

 

 

people will tell me this blog makes my life seem like its so fun and exciting. thats the purpose of this shit though right? blogs are meant to sell your life as a dream to other people, convine everyone your cool and beautiful and everything is super extra awesome all the time. but i think im prettty good at being honest about things being hard.  and while i am so blessed, and dont really have the right to bitch about anything, we all have our own battles.

but what i will tell you right now is that photos below are a true and sincere depiction of how i felt at the time.

 

absolutely fucking awesome.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 18, 2010 7:07 pm

    I love this post. Your situation is really similar to mine in a lot of ways. I left my whole life back in Ireland almost two years ago and I haven’t looked back since. “When you know you know.”

  2. February 2, 2011 1:14 am

    hey there in far-away-land.

    This is a touching post. I’m sittin ghere in germany waiting for my whole life to change by the movement of my current boyfriend OR if I just let him go and seperate, so my life can go its own way. Should I be foccused on my work and studies or should I move away with him, leavin all my hopes in this relationship, knowing that it might not be a fairytale ending.

    I guess you’ll never know whats right, until you look back…

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