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May 25, 2010

im going to new york on thursday night. i havent been in three months, which is the longest ive been away from the city in 5 years – 5 of the slowest/longest years of my brief stint as human on this earth. i still cant believe im not in high school anymore. i still cant believe i have a drivers license and can go where i please. i especially still cant believe i live without my parents and can eat ice cream when i wake up and have boys in my room without having to leave the door open. so how I got to where I am now is like a blurry mess.

i was miserable when i first moved to ny. i knew no one other than my first ever boyfriend and had no idea what to do with myself. i was heartbroken leaving my family and friends. i wasnt one of those people that moved there with 10 friends as a security blanket. to top it off i was such a good girl at that time of my life. not in a naive way, rather i just spent a lot of my time as a senior in high school drinking wine at home on the weekends, reading and working out. the whole aspect of partying didnt interest me – in fact, the more i watched my peers get wasted and make fools of themselves the more of a recluse I became. well…all it took was my first heartbreak to throw everything i had worked so hard for previously out the door. i spent most my life thinking carefully about certain things – making sure to maintain a proper reputation. once i was on my own i began to hate how much i cared about what others thought of me – i resented where and how i was raised for making me that way. whatever, everyone knows what im talking about and has been through it at some point, blah blah blah, i rebelled, blah blah, boring same ol story.

my point is, i kinda feel like i lived at least 8 years worth of life in the last 5 in terms of experience and personal growth. and now i sit here in my  apartment in hollywood, where i live alone as a single, financially independent human with a 9 to 6 job, i am mind blown and totally flabbergasted as to how i got here. im literally just going through the motions. sometimes im concerned that im not a bit more emotional about certain things, or that i let things go too easily because i dont want to suppress feelings, but at the same time i dont care about what people who dont matter think of me, and i no longer care about people who do not matter.

yea, you know, on a day to day basis i would rather be in new york. id rather wake up there and have my routine back of getting coffee at 9th street, lunch at mogador, sitting in tompkins and going to the fish. because every day there is spent with random, beautiful, special weird people that i just absolutely adore. but in that lies the problem. personally for me, new york is never never land. staying there now i wouldnt have grown up because those days are so good i didn’t ever want to do anything else. and ironically enough, while i was able live freely in new york for a while without a care, its a very small place with very small communities.  its takes .5 seconds for everyone to know every mistake you’ve made. the place i learned to not care suddenly felt like the place people were concerned the most. people in la, and i never thought i would say this, mind their business a bit more. it takes effort to see people here, it takes effort to maintain relationships. i could easily go to work and come home for a solid week and not see or talk to anyone. in ny i walk to the corner to get cigarettes and see 35 people i know.

the first time i came home to la after moving to ny i felt different. i felt like i had changed so much in such a short period of time. and now the same thing has happened on the opposite coast. when it comes to appreciating family, handling business, my love life and taking care of myself, and ive done a  complete 180. im happy ive made those changes. a major point i realized was that when u experience true love, whether its with family, a friend or a significant other, what you want out of your existence becomes clear. whats important in life – what it means to ME to be a human being on this earth – doesnt have anything to do with me partying and trying to be cool. i moved here to make my life into the best one possible, and this path was the one i needed to take right now. how im going to feel after a weekend in my favorite city i dont know. but hopefully it will be reassuring that what im doing right now is right. in order for me to ensure new york is good for me i need to be good within myself – i need to mend my heart and screw my head on tight – that way new york will be a whole different city for me, not one thats only conducive for self-destruction.  if i dont blow it again that is. just tryin to figure out what this whole “being alive” thing means.

this photos are random

aron at cha cha

the hills. these people sit there and pretend to be oblivious to the 8 million cameras around them. shocking shockers.

the back room of the old saved tattoo

shelly. shes fantastic.

vander working on his bike

roky

peaches

at a group dinner last week i ordered a car bomb. alone. surrounded by sober people. im a uni-bomber.

camille and lindsey. these chanel clogs were made for walking…barely…

my idol. ive been doing free lance for peoples rev out here at random events. robyn, emily and kelly are ALPHA FEMALES.

health

i still listen to home and 40 day dream night before i go to sleep. i love edward sharp.

one day my name will be on some sorry dudes body

my favorite arab parrot.

camille

aron and my fav mikey bones

11th bar irish jam sesh

a reason to love la: this is how i spend most my saturdays. i fell asleep on that thing for 2 hours a couple weeks ago.

whit playing dress up with my weird gear in the new crib. sequin bra? no problem

a virgin named wade

crying to “starry eyes”

party time excellent

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. victim permalink
    May 26, 2010 10:33 pm

    What the hell? I thought you were broke.

  2. nyc permalink
    June 6, 2010 9:27 am

    I can relate to this post, girl you rock for keeping it real!

  3. nyc2 permalink
    June 12, 2010 1:52 am

    the thing about nyc is i have a different experience than you and a million other people have a million other views different than both yours and mine.

    i think the experience you had is cause you were 21 when you were here and now in la you’re older.

  4. Libb permalink
    June 17, 2010 4:53 pm

    What kind of camera do you use?

  5. Ezra permalink
    June 20, 2010 7:31 am

    I love that jacket and clogs and that peing sign ;-}

  6. June 20, 2010 7:31 am

    I love that jacket and clogs and that peeing sign ;-}

  7. July 21, 2010 3:17 pm

    just wanted to say hi miss Pia . hope all is well and good in yr world . with love from the east.

  8. November 7, 2010 12:06 pm

    “I wrote the story myself. It’s about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.”
    – Mae West

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